And now I'm fine.

This is going to take a lot longer than I thought.
And I could do without the sudden flinch worthy flashbacks, Memory. Okay?

Saw Harry P a second time, read all of book one in one night last night, had a good day, going to shower and then make dinner and then go to a concert with fellow stand up comedian Billie. Church tomorrow, lunch with Mom, and then swing dancing in Peoria, apparently.

Oh, and I wrote a new poem. Check it out on my poetry site.

Word.

Is it better to simply move forward instantly from a life experience, shrug everything off, and hope it will all heal on it's own with enough time?

Or is it better to wallow for a certain amount of time and work through it, step by step, hoping that drudging up all the old will somehow pacify one and then wash over you, clean and able to move forward then and only then?

Is there a balance?

I don't want to go on bedrest so to speak, but I also don't want to slap on a bandaid and jump back into the day to day, ignoring the twinge everytime the metaphorical wound breaks slightly open again if I bend the wrong way. This is a huge metaphor, p.s.

I've just realized that I'm still a little sore about some past o mine, and I know that I'm rather purposefully making myself think about stuff, but at the same time, I know I can't just say, "Oh well," and be fine.

Or maybe I could?

Oh well.

Musings before bed

1. Harry Potter Six was gooooooooood. Some iffy moments of acting as per usual, but some really great stuff too. And Harry had some hilarious bits in this film. It's a pretty dark movie, but it was also laugh out loud raucously funny. "Hi!" If you've seen the film, you'll get that.

2. I think even though I've been pretty single the majority of my "adult life," I've never been the kind of single where there isn't at least one person majorly in my life that I either have unrequited feelings for, have somewhat unrequited feelings for but it's complicated, have requited feelings for but it doesn't work out and then there's general angst, or just a random crush. I assume this is normal. What I'm saying is, I can't remember a periodt of my life when I was without "someone" to think/brood/etc about, even though I never had an "official" girlfriend. I like to say and believe that I'm "good" at being single, and I believe this is true, but I'm only good at being the kind of single I've described. I wonder what it would be like to not have someone in the periphery at all times, or sometimes 3 or 4 someones. It might not be possible, but it is intriguing.

3. I'm reading a book called Everything Belongs. Wait, did I mention that already? Yes, yes I did. In a previous post, that is.

4. I really want to get more into The Format and Beck. Especially Beck. I normally don't love bands with guy singers (not a prejudice just a preference) but there's is something really alluring about Beck's music. I also recently listened to some Smith's stuff--pretty good, most definitely.
I really love love love music.

5. Today was a bizarre day. Car confusion, work, construction, starvation, phone call to Elizabeth, food, failed attempts, a pleasant text, bad time wasting/emotional feeding of fire decisions, unexpected crying while changing clothes that ended as soon as it began, coffeehouse visit to get work done and focus, phone call to Anne that made me feel better, not much work done, much pita, hummus and veggies consumed, feelings of laziness and anxiousness abound over lack of productivity and creativity--no real writing has happened--at least poetry wise--in a month. Self-beratment. Text Robbie, Harry Potter, whee! Home--rejoice to see fruit in the kitchen, eat a banana joyously, go to bed.

6. I have to wak up at 5 am tomorrow to walk Mollie, the family dog. I'm getting paid 20 bucks a day to do it, or else I wouldn't. It's going to suck. Biiiiig time.

7. Tomorrow is pay day and I have never been more excited for a payday in my entire life so far.
8. My acne lotion keeps the acne at bay, but it also keeps the moisture in my face at bay. Booo.

9. A friend owes me over a hundred dollars and she's owed me since May. Love the girl, but I need this money BIG TIME and it's turning me into an asshole debt collector. I have a feeling she won't like me by the time the summer is over. But that's a lot of money, and I need it for my trip.

10. I need to do laundry. Badly.

11. "Let's tune out by turning on the radio..."

Bon nuit.

Confession:
Engaging in online dating makes me feel like a total tool... but I've decided it's no real different from meeting someone on facebook, and I've definitely done that... more than once... so I choose to be excited about someone (who is darn cute and seemingly intelligent and charming) thinking I'm darn cute and seemingly intelligent and charming.

So there.

Jessica, Your Wedding Was Amazing! But in other news...

I'm reading a book recommended to me by my mother's Spiritual Adivsor. It's called Everything Belongs, and it's actually damn good.

Two phrases that are turning in my head right now:

1. Tabula Rasa--it's a common phrase, (and a buffy ep title) but it's latin for "clean slate."
2. This is a prayer I find incredibly soothing and also hits to the heart of what I believe God is:

God beneath you,
God in front of you,
God behind you,
God above you,
God within you.

What's cool to me is that you can replace "God" with a "Joy" or "Love" or "Light" or "Peace" or pretty much anything like that, and to me, the prayer doesn't change, because I believe God is all of those things, and all of those things are God.

Cool, huh?

SONGS

that you must listen to.

1. Whatever Gets You Through the Day, The Radio
2. For Beginners, M. Ward (beautiful beautiful song.)
3. Adventures in Solitude, The New Pornographers
4. Heimdals Gate Like a Promethean Curse, Of Montreal
5. Words Cannot Describe, Mirah
6. Mushaboom, Feist
7. Engine, Neutral Milk Hotel
8. The Sound of Settling, Death Cab for Cutie
9. The Frug, Rilo Kiley
10. Us, Regina Spektor
11. URAQT, M.I.A
12. Ringa Ringa, The Slumdog Millionaire Soundtrack
13. The Littlest Birds, The Be Good Tanyas
14. Terrible Angels, Cocorosie
15. As Cool As I Am, Dar Williams
16. Lights On, The Pierces
17. World Spinds Madly On, The Weepies
18. You and I, Ingrid Michaelson
19. Pot Kettle Black, Tilly and the Wall
20. Whatever (Folk Song in C), Elliot Smith
21. Invisible Ink, Aimee Mann
22. Names and Dates, Ani Difranco
23. Again & Again, The Bird and the Bee
24. In the Sun, Joseph Arthur
25. I Can, I Will, I Do, The Barenaked Ladies
26. A Sorta Fairytale, Tori Amos
27. July, July! The Decemberists
28. Step Into My Office, Baby, Belle & Sebastian
29. Cartoons and Forever Plans, Maria Taylor
30. Old Times, The Whispertown 2000
31. I Hear Noises, Tegan and Sara OR Underwater, Tegan and Sara
32. Love Again, The Dirt Poor Robins
33. Say You Will, Fleetwood Mac
34. Who Is It, Bjork
35. The Earth Keeps Turning On, Mr. Smolin

Honorary Mentions:
All For Swinging You Around, The New Pornographers
Anna Begins, Counting Crows
You Could Make a Killing, Aimee Mann
Fell Down the Stairs OR Falling Without Knowing, Tilly and the Wall
Rain Check OR Hour Follows Hour OR Joyful Girl OR Dilate OR You Had Time, Ani Difranco
O...Saya, The Slumdog Millionaire Soundtrack

*the OR's are really just so I can list more songs. You don't have choose one or the other. Just listen to them all.

Two posts on the same day, I know....

My computer tells me that it detects no battery. Gee, PC, that's funny. Because I sure detect a battery. In fact, I can take it out and hold it in my hand. Pretty sure it exists. My imagination's good, but it's not that good....

The summer is flying by.

I'm starting to get really really anxious about this transatlantic (or I suppose pacific) leap I'm making. It's starting to feel oh so very real and oh so very exciting and oh so very numbingly petrifying.

I just hope my Visa App goes through with no problems. I was going to send it today... but the parentals didn't tell me they were taking "my" (it's not really mine, but it's the car I drive while I'm home) car into the shop today... and my mom wouldn't let me take hers. Agency, agency! Wherefore art thou, Agency?

I've got buy a big backpack (no, really), do a bunch of research on hostels, figure out if/when I'm meeting up with Karly when I get there (my h.s. friend who's doing the same program), figure out what to pack, figure out a way to bully my physicians into giving me the medicine I need for more than one month because oh come onnnn I'm going fucking abroad, I'm not going to overdose on my ADHD meds, just hand them over.

I've got to do laundry, sort through poetry, get all the data off my previous computer and transfer it to this computer, make sure my files are saved and backed up on my laptop, find a way to take all of them safely to NZ (I have to take all my writing/projects), get my hair trimmed, figure out if I'm going to take my money in traveler's checks or not, freak out, freak out, freak out, make plans to write a lot of goodbye see you later cards that I will never complete...miss people, cry, freak out, get really excited, freak out, get really excited.

Summer's halfway over, y'all.

Sore heart?

I feel both wonderful and awful at the same time. They're sort of canceling each other out, so I'm in a rather bizarre state.

I woke up this morning with what could actually be described as my heart hurting, and I'm not speaking medically. Nothing is really wrong, just last night I did some stand up in downtown BNL, (which went wonderfully, everyone was very positive and heartily laughed) but it was a bit trippy memory lane style. Some people I went to High School with were there, and that wasn't a bad thing at all--but it just sent me back. And especially since lately I've been doing a lot of reflecting on my whole "cool inferiority complex" (it's a thing... I've realized that there are certain aspects in the women I get very attracted to--I think they're "cool"-er than me, they've got a sort of elitist posh--they're quirky, but edgy and charmy and... well, they sort of embody my definition of cool, the completely woman. I'm usually really wrong, and they're just a human like myself, but like I said... it's a whole insecure personal issues thing.) and so being in a sort of post high school environment was rather trippy. And then I just had a whole bunch of dreams about an assortment (seriously, we're talking multiple) people. Not to mention my ex step mom tried to friend me on facebook, and well... not a fan of that.

I just want to heal from everything, cut my losses, and move forward.

But it's never that clean or bloodless or simple, is it?

Well... today should be good, at least. Seeing many friends. And by many, I mean 2 or 3. But for me, that's plenty :)