A Doormat Puts in For Early Retirement

There are things I wish I could say, but my moral compass will not allow it, nor do I want to be an emo blog kid. So I'm going to try to express things without putting my foot in my mouth.

The problem with any sort of relationship is that it is doomed to a constant imbalance. Someone always feels something more than the other, and it can change from day to day. I hate the feeling of having lost my mind, or not being able to listen to myself, or being controlled by an "other" who isn't actually controlling me at all, but because I have found myself with feelings of attachment, the world turns upside down. I don't think that's romantic. Don't tell me that's "the way it goes." I think it's inconvenient and debilitating. I don't want someone's mere presence to make me feel small and stupid and sad. I want to flourish. I want to blossom. I hate feeling little, that feeling of over-eagerness, trying to please. And I feel this way around all sorts of people, not just those I've had romantic feelings for and felt hurt by.

If I could rid myself of one feeling or one habit, I would rid myself of my need for reassurance, and my reliance on others and my relationships with them to make me feel good about myself and my life. I don't care if reasurrance is my "love language" it's a hassle, and it holds me back from being the kind of self-reliant individual I'd like to be. Why must any kind of romantic feelings--not even an actual relationship, but just feelings--automatically mean entanglement and some sort of strange intense obligation to the other? We get tightly tied to one another, whether we like it or not. Or maybe this is just me. Maybe that's the problem. I feel obligated... and other people do not.

Well, fuck that. I'm tired of being nice and apologetic. I know that's the mature thing, and I know that's the right thing, but it also feels remarkably like being a doormat. I'm bitter and I'm tired of being the bigger person because it feels a lot like losing. Turning the other cheek hurts, Jesus.

I don't want to be obligated to anyone unless I choose to be, but I feel like this is a difficult thing to accomplish, and perhaps even an unnatural one. Is it? I want to be tied down to me and only me. Call me selfish, I'll be the first one to say it. I'm selfish. Except, the problem is, I'm not. I want to be, desperately, but I have this problem with caring overtly, even obsessively, about how I affect other people. Like feeling apologetic for even blogging, when you know what, it's my fucking blog, I can say what I want, there are worse habits to have than being too expressive. And if I'm a little immature, sue me, I'm 21. Maybe it would do me some good to embrace my bitter angry immature side.

I'm focused on freedom, but I've been equating freedom with solitude. Which I am not certain is quite right. There's got to be a balance--some couples, some individuals find it. So is it this elusive holy grail? Do I need to be in a club or have a password? Or do I just have to go through a lot more ups and downs until I'm wise and old and withered and wonderful? I'd like to have one, just one--really, that's all I need--healthy, flourishing, beautiful balanced free relationship before my life is over. And I sincerely hope that this is not too idealistic of a wish.

You know, maybe I just hate the aching that comes with caring for someone who naturally doesn't care as much back, and maybe that's just a cycle I'm doomed to repeat like the rest of the world. But I'm tired of it. Exhausted. And I never listen to myself! Okay, that's not true, but I don't listen to myself sometimes when it's really, really! pivotal that I do so. I say, "Hey, Sarah, you're tired of this," or, "Hey, this is a terrible idea, don't do it..." and despite my inner alarms, I still jump at new opportunities, when maybe, just maybe, I should say... "No."

But, but, but! I don't want to be the bitter jaded single person, so I push myself to "just try it, just see where it goes, just take a chance." Which is silly because, let's face it, I am the bitter jaded single person. There is a real part of me that thinks surely I'll end up like Eleanor Rigby, hiding my face in a jar. The other part of me is sure that this can't happen because you know what? I don't suck as a person. In fact, I'm pretty stellar. I want to fall in love, I do. I want to feel free with someone else, but right now, all of my attempts seem to lead to some form and feeling of captivity, and this isn't what I need. I keep putting myself in the subordinate position, and it's high time I seriously cut that out.

Or maybe this obligation I feel burdened with means I'm a nice person.
And, historically, we finish last.

I'm going abroad soon. It'd be cheesy as hell to say I hope I "find myself" in New Zealand, so I won't. Frankly, I didn't ever need to find myself, I'm not lost, I never was. I'm here. I know who I am. I don't like some of my sides, and I like to pretend they're not there, but they are, and I am fully aware of this. In my adult life, I'd like to start embracing all parts of me in an effort to strengthen myself.

I read a postsecret once that read,
"I want to share the joy of being alone with someone else."

That's it. That's it exactly.
But for now, I'll continue to share it with me.