Dear Citizens of America,

Top Ten (In No Real Order) (Specific and Perhaps Un-Obvious) Things Never To Do At a Restaurant:

1. Don't leave a pamphlet of any religious origin with a title along the lines of "Have You Found Jesus?" as your tip. Jesus would tip. If you don't believe me, go back to your bible where he did all that cool stuff like hanging out with the poor and the prostitutes and the marginalized societies. We, the working class, are the ones Jesus would help out, not you, the rich and too good to tip. So if you want to demonstrate Christian kindness... demonstrate Christian kindness.

2. Don't let your children color copiously or even lightly on the tables. This is not easy to get off--it doesn't wipe off like food debri. If your children are following in the footsteps of Picasso and O'Keefe, we will provide you with paper. We promise. Yes, you might feel like at a restaurant, this is the one time you don't have to clean up after your children. You might feel free. We might feel you are bad parents and worse patrons.

3. Don't ask the host/hostess to change tables or for a specific table. The dining room floor is divided into sections by server so that every server gets an even amount of tables and thus an even amount of work and subsequently, money. There's a system. We understand that you want a booth, or a center table, or a window table, but ultimately, it really fucks with our flow, not to mention it usually causes the servers to resent both the host/hostess for double seating them and you, for being so darn picky. A table's a table. ALSO: NEVER SEAT YOURSELF. Unless, of course, it says to.

4. Unless you know the server, or have a personal favorite because you are a regular, do not ask your current server for a new server based on any of the following: skin color (yes this happens, on both sides), gender, outfit, facial hair, tattoos, or any other bigoted judgemental opinion you may have. This is just awful. It makes the server feel like shit and it makes the requested/replacement server feel awkward. Don't be an asshole.

5. Never snap, clap, wave, or holler at a server to get their attention. They are not your dog. Along the same lines, remember that if it's busy, your server has many, many other tables. They will get to you as soon as possible, and getting impatient or bitchy with them is not only unfair, but unnecessary. If there's a real problem, talk to the manager.

5.5. Don't ask other servers or employees to bring you your server or bring you other things. This happens to me all the time as an expo (aka food runner.) Of course, I always oblige, but if I have a giant tray in my hand and a tray stand and we're very busy--when you tell me you'd like to order a special coffee drink and proceed to tell me what it is and expect me to get it for you when that is nowhere in my power, not to mention I look *nothing* like your server... it's just silly. Someone will help you, we promise. But wait for your server to come. If it's dire that you talk to them now, politely ask another employee to bring you your server--POLITELY AND ONLY AS A LAST RESORT! Unless they're a sucky server (which happens, but that's an exception) they'll get to you, I pinky promise. Practice patience, hold those horses.

6. Don't complain about your food unless there's a genuine problem. Example: A woman once complained that her tea "didn't taste like anything." The server replaced the hot water, and still, the tea "didn't taste like anything." Look, lady. Tea is lightly flavored water. If you want flavor, get a soda. Your tea bags performance is not the fault of the server. Moral: don't be unnecessarily critical--unless the food was made incorrectly, there is no need to send it back. If you don't like it, don't order it next time. If you must get something new or send it back, don't treat the server like it's their fault, because it really isn't.

7. Don't hit on the employees. Unless, of course you're attractive and they flirt with you too. But if you're over 40 and your server is under 25... stop it, creepsauce. "Restaurant" does not equal "brothel." Similarly try not to say things like, "honey," "sweetie," "babe," or "baby" to your server, especially if the server is female. It's demeaning and patronizing.

9. Don't tell me that it's "too loud" in the restaurant. It's a RESTAURANT. When it gets busy, it's bound to be buzzing. Go to a park or a monastery or pop in some Simon and Garfunkle if you're looking for the sound of silence.

10. And of course... don't stiff your server. If you don't agree with the tipping customs, great, but then go to a restaurant where tipping isn't expected (aka Europe.) Here in America, servers make the majority of their money from their tips. Unless the service was exceptionally bad from the server, leave them a decent tip, which by the way is 20 to 30%. Not 5%, not 10%, not 15%. If the food was cold, if it took too long--those things are out of the servers control (there's always exceptions, but usually.) If there's a real problem, again, contact the manager. General rule: IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO TIP THE SERVER, DO NOT GO OUT TO EAT. OR, GO TO McDONALDS.

(Extra--11.) Don't leave weird shit at the table, or under it. Once I had to remove a decently sized TREE BRANCH from under a table. What the frickin' frack?!

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Humorous (Or Somewhat Tragic) Food Service Quote:

Patron: I really want some, like, potatoes, but not fries... but they're fried...? They're like potatoes.... but they're chips....
Server: ...Potato chips?
Patron: (Very excited) Yeah, exactly!

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This has been a segment of "Sarah Says,"
an ornery and opinionated column-esqu featured on her blog, Paper Cranium.
Thank you.