I'm back in BloNo, and I'll admit to being in a funk, and not the good kind.

It was a really good weekend, though a little bittersweet. My world just feels so strange these days. Changes, changes, changes. Life is such a whirlwind of new and old and hello and farewell. I half expect to wake up in Oz one of these days wearing ruby slippers and skipping down a strange road with oddly featured friends.

Anyway.

Current thoughts: I'm not a great cook, but what I make, I make well. I made pesto pasta for the second time tonight, and damn, it was good. My family agreed. Also, I know it's my OCD, but I'm feeling less than satisfied with my physical shape right now, which I *realize* is stupid and irrational, but it's how I feel. So, I'm going to start working out soon. Scratch "soon"-- more like, tomorrow. I just feel flabby. (I also know that 30 min or cardio a day is not only excellent for energy but for overall health, so I'm doing it for those reasons too. Last summer when I was working out a lot, I felt fantastic. Currently, I feel like a lazy blob, so I'm seeking to fix this.) I wish I could get over my damn arm thing. It's a comparison thing, really. I feel great about myself until I start going, "Well, they look like this, and they're making a great career off their looks and talent as an actor, so if I want to do the same..." It's silly, but it's a mixture of my obsessive compulsive disorder (unwanted thought syndrome--as we all know Sarah thinks WAY too much, right Doug? This blog is proof. Hell, it's beyond proof.) and media pressures and pressures that go hand in hand with the profession I'm in. Also, it sucks because whenever I watch Buffy 7th season now (smgellar lost a ton of weight over the seasons--actually, i think she looks super scary in 7th season, like someone feed her a cracker, please, but regardless, my ocd tends to win occasionally with-->), I can't stop looking at all the characters arms, thinking, "mine aren't as toned as that, mine are flabbier than that--shit, I'll *never* get a tv job!" (I prefer stage, but I've always REALLY wanted to be on Law and Order or something like The Office or Buffy or Weeds.) Again with the I know it's not rational, but clearly a part of me thinks it is, or it wouldn't be so damn convincing. Blech. People are dying in airplane crashes, or in their own home (re: Michael J) and coups are happening in Honduras and I'm complaining about imaginary flabby arms. Perspective, Sarah?

Other thoughts.

1. Lonely. My friends feel so far from me--I have so many, but they're spread all around the globe like globular jelly. I want all the bits and gooey pieces of strawberry in one spot on my bread, please.

2. I'm getting tan! Well, tan for me. I'm excited.

3. I still don't have a fucking job in blono. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck. Baxter's grill decided to go with "no."

4. See three.

5. With my mind on my money and my money on my mind.

6. However, I do not feel laid back.

7. I have to stop buying itunes, and that's going to suck.

8. I have a lot of paper work to do for NZ still. And packing!

9. It was good talking to you. I'm glad I chose to, you know, not pretend we were strangers. If you ever read this--thanks for indulging me. It was a nice way to leave it. Merci beacoup.

10. Bye, One World and One World Crew. I'll miss you and love you all more than you know. Well, I don't love two jerky guys, but everyone else.

10a. I hope Michell's daughter's okay.

11. Today I saw a "Party Trolly" in Peoria. What!?

12. I really need to publish my poetry. I feel like such a slacker right now, it's depressing. I know I just need to do it, but for some reason, my go getterness seems to only come in spurts. I act when it counts, but I put off stuff at the same time. What the hell? (It's probably linked to your ADHD, dear.) And what about that memoir I'm writing? And those plays? Hey, Sarah, you ever going to write another play? Get cracking! Come on! (Ahh!)

13. MY ROOM. AH. SOMEONE COME OVER AND HELP ME before the boxes breed. Oh wait, the only friend that would actually enjoy that... is in Peoria. (looking at you Kyla. Miss you. A lot, in fact).

14. Seeing Shakespeare with Dad on Wednesday! Yay! But I'm nervous it'll make me really miss theatre (not a bad thing by itself, but --->) and then feel bad for not jumping right into career mode and choosing NZ instead of going to Chicago right away. Just because I know NZ is right for me doesn't mean there aren't oodles of doubt and fear. Thinker, remember?

15. I need to find monologues. "I need to accomplish and be perfect at everything!" Gah!

16. That guy better stay the fuck away from my friends, or I'm calling the cops on him. I mean it. Call my bluff, asshole.

17. Why won't anyone hire me? I'm awesome. ("'Cuz it's the middle of the summer, Sarah." "Shut up, rational self.")

18. I hope I poop soon. Too much bread today. Frick.

19. I need to write my to do list. It's long.

20. How much money do I need to spend to prep for NZ? What kind of bag will I need? How expensive are backpacks? How the hell am I going to get my meds over there??

21. I want to do more stand up. I've been doing a steady amount, but I want more. But Trey is moving. :( And that means one more friend to miss a lot (I mean it, Trey) and zero transportation to my gigs. Or at least, zero comedy partner Trey transportation. I'm going to miss us as a team. :(

22. I really need to write more jokes.

23. Why am I so lazy?

23a. Maybe if you did all the stuff you just whined about instead of writing a facebook note...

24. Sarah, be nicer to yourself. You're not lazy. That's the last thing you are. You can get distracted, and you get sidetracked, but you are a hardworker and you know it.

24a. I wish I actually believed the above more. Sigh.

25. Why are some of the most awesome women I know in my life being treated so poorly by others? That's such bullshit.

26. I'm coming to your wedding, Benizzle. Just so you know, I'm not one of those shady ones you were chiding on your fb. :)

27. I should really figure out how I'm getting to chitown--Emily!!!!???? Carpool??? I'll pitch in for gas!

28. I wish I had someone to kiss me.

28a. Not *anyone* though, just so we're clear. I'm rather picky.

29. Is it terrible that although I know the honduras coup was bad, after reading that in the NY times, there was a part of me that thought... "Wow, well done. That's kind of impressive."

30. Is this what the rest of my adult life will be? Putzing around, wishing I was doing more?

30a. Sarah, you do a lot, it's just summer and you feel strange and restless because you don't have a job, class, and you just graduated from college. And right now, you're not feeling too inspired to write poetry, so this is you getting your creative instincts out. Writing is writing, lady.

31. I know, Rational Sarah. It's just that...

31a. ...I don't want to amount to an almost something. Like Anne Frank said, "I want to be remarkable."

And I do.

Goodnight.