I've decided that if I am, in fact, doomed to become a mute, I should embrace the perks. Physically. I've constructed some strange pointed structures with peaks out of some jerks (peaks + jerks/rational = perks) and will be spending 10 minutes of everyday embracing them. They've taught me a lot. Being sequestered in my room, they've nothing better to do than give me some advice on how to continue my life as default mime.

1. become an actual mime
2. learn sign language, not to communicate with the deaf, no, but to improve the muscles in my hands. soon, my fingers will pop with muscles and I'll get hired by an off-broadway musical to do an explosive and unforgettable "jazz hands" gesture, thrilling audiences from far and wide.
3. I am immediately exempt from singing the national anthem at sports events, happy birthday to people I detest, and Good Morning, Baltimore, if I'm ever in MaryLand.
4. I can play deaf characters in plays, but I'll actually be able to hear, so I won't ever miss my cue, require fellow actors to hyper-articulate so I can read their lips and appropriately react truthfully, or force the cast, crew and director to feel obligated to learn ASL. Give it a year, I'll be giving Marlee Matlin (spelling?) a run for her money. Was that threat? Was that offensive?Well, you didn't hear it from me.
5. If I'm ever having a steamy affair (my silent bob mystery having won me a multitude of admirers) and we're sexing (did I really just use that word?) in a closet (no pun intended here) while the legit significant other is in the other room, putting her shoes on and watching Maury because she feels her relationship is on the rocks, I won't have a problem--when things get good--not making noise. ;)

Disadvantages:

1.I can never plead the fifth.