How To: My To Do List for Now and Next Week

• Clean House


• Pack


• Finish Sixth Season


• Finish 2nd and 3rd season of Buffy w/ Kyla


• Freeze that turkey. Steel resolve. Ready go.


• Get a job in Bloomington.


• Clean my festering kitchen.


• Actively avoid feeling sad about graduation by investing sadness in something much more trivial. Or at least, tell yourself it's trivial.


• Fail at the last part of the above. Succeed at the first half.


• Feel like a moron for not being able to control your feelings.


• Miss Asha and Ben and not be able to process it, so ignore those feelings for now.


• Attempt to rent the movie "Waiting."


• Fail at the above.


• Return wedding invitations. Muse about the idea of love and relationships and how deep down you really think you won't end up with someone for long term.


• Wonder what that says about you.


• Look for that car every time you walk down main street.


• Berate yourself for the above.


• Attempt to stop yourself.


• Fail.


• Miss your teachers, but not really? Feel guilty about ambiguity.


• Listen to Barenaked Ladies "Break Your Heart," "The Old Apartment" and "I Can I Will I Do" and a bunch of Ani Difranco and The Weepies. Also, that one song by Bjork.


• Write overly obvious cryptic blog posts.


• Remind yourself at least you have an interesting life, which is a plus. Secretly fear becoming a townie somewhere and *not* having an interesting life.


• Remember that you're scared shitless of dying young, and briefly get anxious when this thought crosses your path.
• Remind yourself that 99% of what you worry about never happens.
• Purposefully worry about dying young in order to employ the above logic.


• Wonder if you'll ever be a sensation, or a legend, or part of history. Feel pangs about the possibility "no." Feel shame for caring about fame.


• Regret never "going to the circus" with Ben.


• Feel the urge to punch his ex in the face.
• Wonder about theatre.
• Think about New Zealand.
• Think you're crazy.
• Be secretly proud of yourself for being so awesome and gutsy. Smirk to yourself, thinking how cool and nuts and quirky you are. Then laugh, tell yourself out loud in your empty house that you're a narcisstic bastard. Feel pleased regardless.
• Wish all of your friends weren't so spread far away.


• Wonder if you really are going to exist in a pattern, unrequited feelings throughout your life, never falling for what's right in front of you but always the unattainable.


• Try and comfort yourself and say, "no, that won't happen, you're just human, you'll find someone."


• Fail at the above.
• Make a lot more of this list and then have your internet crap out and lose all of it.
• Debate rewriting it, including feelings of missing friends, self-confidence, etc, etc.
• Eat some dark chocolate Kyla gave you.
• Decide the list is pretty much done anyway.
• Finish blog.