I can be alone, yeah, I can watch the sunset on my own

Hello friends!

Today is a beautiful day. I woke up this morning and heard birds chirping--I love spring. I really just do. I used to love winter as a child, but as I've gotten older, I now hate being cold with a fiery (or should I say frozen?) passion.

I'm feeling extremely content today, but I'm also feeling extremely strange, and a little sad. That's the beauty of being human, eh? We can feel a cornucopia of emotions, all at once.

I know I started this blog with the intent to be an objective journalist, but I've never been a journalist. I've always been a pour out my thoughts and feelings gal. I promise this blog won't spiral into a xanga, but I do want to address something--a big life changin' decision I've made in the last three or four weeks--that some of you may have questions about.

I have been doing theatre for... well, for almost as long as I can remember. I did my first musical in third grade (Joseph and his coat, of course), and I've been performing in this or that ever since. In high school, I was in every play we did from frosh year to senior year, and I did speech team too, but I only did the "acting" events, if you will. Then, I went on to college and majored in Theatre Performance, and I was extremely successful as a frosh and for the following three years. I spent all of my summers doing something theatre related--Children's theatre, SSTC intern, and of course, my wonderful NYC adventure. Although I have had a minor in creative writing, most of my classes have been theatre classes. I have not regretted any of these decisions--I have LOVED all the theatre I did for some reason or another--I have learned, I have grown, I have been miserable, and I have been ecstatic. I was incredibly blessed to have such wonderful opportunities to hone my craft, and I will be forever grateful for that.

That said.

I have not had a break from theatre....since I started theatre. I've had little breaks here and there, but every fiber of my being has been focused on theatre for a very, very long time. I do not think this is a bad thing at all--quite the opposite. However, I believe I need a break in a big, big way.

When I abroad to London over J-term, I caught the travel bug. And when I didn't get any callbacks at Midwest, I stepped back and re-evaluated what I should do. Sidenote--this may read like I am "giving up" on theatre because of some rejection, but if you read the rest, I hope you realize that that is exactly the opposite of what I am doing. I simply watched a few doors close in front of me, and looked for the nearest new, open door. And while I was scanning the metaphorical hallway, I saw a distant door, an overseas door, and I knew, then, that I wanted to travel. It dawned on me-- there is a world, a whole beautiful and ugly and fascinating world outside of my ambition, outside of my career, and outside of theatre. One of my professors has often said that life experience makes an actor great, and not class after class after class. I have plenty of life experience, but I am only 21, and I have only lived in the US. I have met a very small percentage (extremely small) percentage of the world, of other cultures, and I have seen a very small percentage of what there is to see.

For the past 8-12 years, I have been on one path--the theatre career or bust path--and instead of continuing on this path blindly, I am stepping off of it for a year. I do not want to simply continue something just because I "always knew I would." There is a lot I don't know about myself, as well as the world, and I want to take some time to explore the world around me before I buckle down and knuckle down and all systems go.

This September, I will be traveling to Auckland, New Zealand and I will live there for 12 months. Through a program called BUNAC, I will get a work visa and I will arrive in the country, get a job-whatever I can find-and an apartment, and I will simply exist and live and explore in Auckland, New Zealand. After six months, I will move down to Southern New Zealand, and live in Christchurch, a city in the southern part. My primary goal living abroad will be to make money to support myself during my stay, travel, meet people, and meet more parts of myself.

My biggest concern making this decision was not, in fact, myself--it was others. I was very concerned that my teachers, mentors, friends, colleagues, would feel I was "giving up" on theatre, or "quitting." Having never been a quitter even in the loosest sense, this terrified me. I was also afraid (and will admit to being still a little afraid) that I will come back after this adventure and not be able to make a career for myself because I have been gone. This has proved to be an irrational fear, as theatre isn't going anywhere, and a dose of perspective and an exciting experience can only help my acting abilities, let alone hone and focus my knowledge of what it is I truly want out of my life and my career. At this point of my life, I fully intend to return to the States after 12 months, move to Chicago, and begin a career in performance-theatre, improv, and stand-up comedy. Some of you have asked about my stand-up career--first of all, it doesn't exist yet, but it will :) And I fully intend to try out some of my stand-up in NZ. I am sure there are plenty of cultural and tourist jokes I can make at my own expense--and if I fail, then I fail. Ultimately, since I have made this decision, and since Cloud Nine (which I loved) has closed, I have felt happier than I have felt in a long time. I chalk this up to a few factors--1. I'm not taking a lot of classes, so I am not stressed, 2. the show went wonderfully, 3. it is Spring, and 4. I am almost done with college. It is no secret that BU and I have had a rocky relationship, and being in the homestretch does put a song in my heart. However, I know there is another factor, and that is my upcoming freedom--everyday, I feel more and more comfortable and sure about this decision. The thought of moving to Chicago right now, the thought of being in another show at this point in my life, gives me a headache. I am taking this break, and it has taken me awhile to not feel guilty about this decision--I'll admit that I wouldn't be writing this letter if I didn't feel I had to justify myself in some way. But at the end of the day, I have to listen to me--to my head, and to my heart, and they're both saying, "Go."

It has also been brought up to me that I may hate New Zealand. What if I get there and I don't find answers or happiness or freedom or it sucks? Those are all very probable. I do not expect anything from this trip other than change. I am constantly searching in my life, whether I'm in Peoria or some foreign land. As cliche as this sounds--it really is about the journey. If I hate it, great--I'll have learned something. All I know is I'm going--I will make it happen (unless they turn down my visa, which is out of my control) and I will come back the better for it, regardless of what happens while I'm there.

I am very excited/scared about this decision and this trip of mine, and I can only hope that all of you will support me, but I'm doing this for myself, so if you don't, you don't.

I just figured it was time I wrote out a why and wherefore, to answer any questions.

It won't be easy, but as they say, nothing worth doing ever is.

Blessings on all your heads--
Sarah M. Duncan

I really, really miss New York City.