Well, actually, this isn't it. This was my everyday life in the states blog, which of course you are still welcome to peruse. However, if you are interested about my Kiwi adventures, please visit this instead:
http://www.andthesunrisesfirsthere.blogspot.com/
See ya there, Mate ;)
Kia Ora,
Sarah
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Updation Station
I had a really great chat with my Dad tonight. I feel like I want to write a poem about it, but hmmm.... I also want to read Harry Potter. I'm SO CLOSE to finishing the fifth book which is completely and utterly my favorite. I hope I write more in NZ. I haven't written barely anything this summer--I think I've written maybe 3 poems... wow. But the up side? I've been reading a lot, and I've been keeping busy. We all have dry spells--or so I tell myself. I also really wanted to paint this summer, but that didn't really happen. I have a lot of things I want to be doing all the time, but lately I've been more chillaxed about it. I know I'm going to be successful, somehow. I don't know how--to be honest, I just don't know. I had a big breakdown about a week ago (or was it two?) about life, career, feeling petrified about not knowing how I can do this theatre career thing, and feeling guilty for taking time off, and all of that. I had just left after seeing Midsummer's at the IlShakes fest (quite excellent) and I just started crying in my car. It was rough.
I'm better now. This week was pretty rocky too, what with getting told my biopsy test results were "atypical" and being scared and anxious that my NZ plans would fall through... but today, I feel alright.
I'm sure I'll feel all those feelings again, but right now, I'm two weeks away from my departure (that is, as long as I don't have a malignant cyst on my back--it's a thing, I had to get a biopsy, I have to wait to get results, but my plane ticket's refundable so it's fine, a pain in the ass, but fine. I'll keep y'all posted) and I feel pretty peachy. If I really start thinking about the fact that I haven't written in a long time, or painted, or done a monologue, I start to get anxious (I can already feel it, I'm not kidding at all) but if I just breathe and ignore it, I'm alright.
So yes, I'm better. I still want to be a renowned actor, comedian and writer and I still feel that I will stop at nothing to do that--it still plagues me and hungers me to no end--but I also want to, you know, live my life, see the world, not drive myself painfully crazy. My trip to NZ is all about balance.
I've also realized that my decision to move to NZ is a direct reaction to my ongoing recovery from my four years at Bradley. It's easy--almost scarily so--to forget how deeply, deeply painful those four years (well, okay, 3 and a half, the last half was pretty okay 'cept for some slight rockiness) were. In my therapy sessions I've realized that yes, I'm burnt out on theatre, but it's predominantly because the only experiences of quote unquote pre-professional theatre and theatre as a serious career decision I've had were through my university experience, which although academically exemplary, was socially a nightmare.
That doesn't mean I didn't have good moments, but having to completely rip myself inside out in order to please what felt like an army of critics (especially Sophomore year) was jarring and scarring at the very least. Oh, I had wonderful friendships--don't get me wrong. And 95% of those I worked with I would absolutely jump at the chance to work with again, and they will always have an excellent reference from me, should they need it. But I never, never felt at home there, and I would be a fool to think it had nothing to do with the ostracization (trust me, this was bigger than the whole, "Not everyone's going to like you," thing we all encounter normally as part of life) I was put through my sophomore year by both my peers and upper classmen. Being told that I was a "big gossip topic" and a "big issue" from many sources, finding out I was being trashed by people who barely knew me, and feeling afraid to walk into the theatre were only helpful "growing pains" in that they forced me pull myself up from absolute rock bottom, which is not a terribly desirable way to learn a life lesson, in case you were curious.
The whole experience is very easy for me to shrug off these days, to say simply, oh well, it's over, or oh well, such and such graduated, I won't see him again, or her again, etc. But the truth is, it had a lasting effect, and although I do think I'm burnt out on theatre as a separate thing from my experience of college theatre, (for I have yet to take a break from it once since I started in 7th grade) I do think they are completely linked. And yet, I yearn to perform, so I know that my career and life as a theatre artist is only just begun. But I must find a way to experience the life of a performer healthily and happily--I can't spend the only life I have being miserable and artistically frustrated, or feeling nervous and like a lesser human being around my future peers because of some sour social dynamics in my past.
In NZ, I look forward to finding balance, to seeing outside my narrow perspective, to forcing myself into another environment and forcing myself to rely on me and only me. I hope to strengthen my self confidence, my sense of purpose, and thicken my skin against a hard world--albeit beautiful, but still, difficult to exist in, especially in the arts. In NZ, I want to write until my hand falls off. I want to create the plays whose characters have been swimming blurily in my mind, demanding a more definitive mold. I want to rock climb, and sky dive, and cry and scream and laugh and feel the ocean and see the black sand beaches and the Maori in their tribal garb and the sun come up, because NZ is the first country to see the sun. How truly fitting for a metaphor regarding enlightenment.
"The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful, and so are you..."
It is time for recovery, and I am ready.
I'm better now. This week was pretty rocky too, what with getting told my biopsy test results were "atypical" and being scared and anxious that my NZ plans would fall through... but today, I feel alright.
I'm sure I'll feel all those feelings again, but right now, I'm two weeks away from my departure (that is, as long as I don't have a malignant cyst on my back--it's a thing, I had to get a biopsy, I have to wait to get results, but my plane ticket's refundable so it's fine, a pain in the ass, but fine. I'll keep y'all posted) and I feel pretty peachy. If I really start thinking about the fact that I haven't written in a long time, or painted, or done a monologue, I start to get anxious (I can already feel it, I'm not kidding at all) but if I just breathe and ignore it, I'm alright.
So yes, I'm better. I still want to be a renowned actor, comedian and writer and I still feel that I will stop at nothing to do that--it still plagues me and hungers me to no end--but I also want to, you know, live my life, see the world, not drive myself painfully crazy. My trip to NZ is all about balance.
I've also realized that my decision to move to NZ is a direct reaction to my ongoing recovery from my four years at Bradley. It's easy--almost scarily so--to forget how deeply, deeply painful those four years (well, okay, 3 and a half, the last half was pretty okay 'cept for some slight rockiness) were. In my therapy sessions I've realized that yes, I'm burnt out on theatre, but it's predominantly because the only experiences of quote unquote pre-professional theatre and theatre as a serious career decision I've had were through my university experience, which although academically exemplary, was socially a nightmare.
That doesn't mean I didn't have good moments, but having to completely rip myself inside out in order to please what felt like an army of critics (especially Sophomore year) was jarring and scarring at the very least. Oh, I had wonderful friendships--don't get me wrong. And 95% of those I worked with I would absolutely jump at the chance to work with again, and they will always have an excellent reference from me, should they need it. But I never, never felt at home there, and I would be a fool to think it had nothing to do with the ostracization (trust me, this was bigger than the whole, "Not everyone's going to like you," thing we all encounter normally as part of life) I was put through my sophomore year by both my peers and upper classmen. Being told that I was a "big gossip topic" and a "big issue" from many sources, finding out I was being trashed by people who barely knew me, and feeling afraid to walk into the theatre were only helpful "growing pains" in that they forced me pull myself up from absolute rock bottom, which is not a terribly desirable way to learn a life lesson, in case you were curious.
The whole experience is very easy for me to shrug off these days, to say simply, oh well, it's over, or oh well, such and such graduated, I won't see him again, or her again, etc. But the truth is, it had a lasting effect, and although I do think I'm burnt out on theatre as a separate thing from my experience of college theatre, (for I have yet to take a break from it once since I started in 7th grade) I do think they are completely linked. And yet, I yearn to perform, so I know that my career and life as a theatre artist is only just begun. But I must find a way to experience the life of a performer healthily and happily--I can't spend the only life I have being miserable and artistically frustrated, or feeling nervous and like a lesser human being around my future peers because of some sour social dynamics in my past.
In NZ, I look forward to finding balance, to seeing outside my narrow perspective, to forcing myself into another environment and forcing myself to rely on me and only me. I hope to strengthen my self confidence, my sense of purpose, and thicken my skin against a hard world--albeit beautiful, but still, difficult to exist in, especially in the arts. In NZ, I want to write until my hand falls off. I want to create the plays whose characters have been swimming blurily in my mind, demanding a more definitive mold. I want to rock climb, and sky dive, and cry and scream and laugh and feel the ocean and see the black sand beaches and the Maori in their tribal garb and the sun come up, because NZ is the first country to see the sun. How truly fitting for a metaphor regarding enlightenment.
"The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful, and so are you..."
It is time for recovery, and I am ready.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Sunday Night =
counting crows einstein on the beach at full volume + driving around bloomington for no real reason + sunshine +winnnnnd + chai + getting all my new zealand gear + meditations on forgiveness + meditations on grace, grace as undeserved love + healing + noticing healing having taken place with pleasant surprise + the world is bigger than me + calling Sara +being really thirsty + brain at full volume + leaving the computer to go get some water now
Saturday, August 1, 2009
The world begins to disappear
My brother has the counting crow's cd Films About Ghosts, so I've been listening to it. It's interestingly hit or miss with each song. I think some of the songs are off the charts fantastic, and others, not so much.
I like these best:
"Mrs. Potter's Lullaby"
"Einstein On the Beach"
"Anna Begins" (But I've liked that song since it was introduced to me last year)
"A Long December"
there are a few others that are pretty decent (Round Here, Rain King) but those are the four I can't stop listening to.
In other news, I'm still petrified of death. Apparently there's a name for it--thanatophobia. I'm thanatophobic. Swell.
There are just so many little accidents every day that can erase me from the world--and then all my poetry will go unpublished, my self undiscovered, my acting career forever unrealized, not to mention the whole never having had an actual girlfriend thing or having fallen in love...
I have a hard time stopping myself from thinking--what if something happens on the plane ride? What if I get bit by one of the two poisonous spiders in New Zealand? What if I get skin cancer? What if I have it now, and don't know it? And how do some elderly people live to be in their 90's and still remain fully capable, and others are completely deteriorated?
It's my OCD, and I know it. My OCD plus a legitimate and constant clinical phobia.
I really want to live a full life. I don't want any accidents. I really want to live a full life.
I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do.
Okay I have to shut up I'm making myself even more anxious. Also--nothing brought this on. This is just my brain.
One more thing--
there was a serious hate crime in Tel Aviv--a man burst into a gay support centre (not a bar, even, but just a nice place) and shot two individuals and wounded 10. I feel sick.
I lied. One more thing--
I'm scared shitless to go to New Zealand, but I'm excited, but I'm really scared. That wasn't really new, but I'm feeling expressive.
I hope I fall in love someday...with someone who loves me back. That sounds so implausible sometimes. (See, expressive.) It must be nice.
I hear it's nice.
I like these best:
"Mrs. Potter's Lullaby"
"Einstein On the Beach"
"Anna Begins" (But I've liked that song since it was introduced to me last year)
"A Long December"
there are a few others that are pretty decent (Round Here, Rain King) but those are the four I can't stop listening to.
In other news, I'm still petrified of death. Apparently there's a name for it--thanatophobia. I'm thanatophobic. Swell.
There are just so many little accidents every day that can erase me from the world--and then all my poetry will go unpublished, my self undiscovered, my acting career forever unrealized, not to mention the whole never having had an actual girlfriend thing or having fallen in love...
I have a hard time stopping myself from thinking--what if something happens on the plane ride? What if I get bit by one of the two poisonous spiders in New Zealand? What if I get skin cancer? What if I have it now, and don't know it? And how do some elderly people live to be in their 90's and still remain fully capable, and others are completely deteriorated?
It's my OCD, and I know it. My OCD plus a legitimate and constant clinical phobia.
I really want to live a full life. I don't want any accidents. I really want to live a full life.
I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do.
Okay I have to shut up I'm making myself even more anxious. Also--nothing brought this on. This is just my brain.
One more thing--
there was a serious hate crime in Tel Aviv--a man burst into a gay support centre (not a bar, even, but just a nice place) and shot two individuals and wounded 10. I feel sick.
I lied. One more thing--
I'm scared shitless to go to New Zealand, but I'm excited, but I'm really scared. That wasn't really new, but I'm feeling expressive.
I hope I fall in love someday...with someone who loves me back. That sounds so implausible sometimes. (See, expressive.) It must be nice.
I hear it's nice.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
What a night!
"Thursday Night at the FunnyBone! Same great drink specials and the show starts at 8 featuring Sarah Duncan and Prescott Tolk. Born and raised in Jersey, Prescott Tolk has performed comedy for the past 10 years, crystallizing his personal experiences as a post-graduate slacker in his hour-long comedy album "I Can Complain." Loaded with clever one-liners, prescient observations, and true-life anecdotes, he turns inexorable realities into hard-hitting laugh lines."
The blurb on the website. My name was on the website! Also--Prescott Tolk--genius. I'd never heard of him, so I didn't know, but he was absolutely sensational. SO FUNNY. And he thought I was really funny too, he told me it was very polished and wanted to know how "new" I was because I had obvious skill. Fuck yeah, go me. The place was packed, and I was totally in sync with the crowd--there's nothing quite like the feeling of making a whole room of people laugh--not just chuckle, not giggle--outright openly loudly laugh. It went so well tonight, I feel like a pro. I need more material to be a pro... but still, I'm on my way, I can feel it, and it's great when others acknowledge it too. What a feeling!
Plus, I had a bunch of friends come out--Robb & Christina and their friend Rachel, my brother, and Karly (the other girl I know who's moving to New Zealand, friend from high school) and Allison (another friend from high school.) I felt so supported.
Whee!
In other news, my Dad's getting married tomorrow, so I should really go to bed... I'm really hungry... I've no money for groceries right now, so I'm a little malnourished.
My tent, sleeping bag, and sheet liner all came via ups today. That was exciting. In less exciting news, this girl I met online (I know, I know, online is sketchy, sue me there are no lesbians in bloomington) was supposed to call me today at 10pm... but nothing. But you know? I'm not really phased by that. She seemed cool, and I'm a little disappointed, but honestly? not terribly so. I mean, no one likes to be quote unquote stood up, but I've only talked to her once before, and I'm not looking for anything other than casual dating. This may come off as "doth I protest too much" but I'm really just writing down my discoveries as I make them. Plus, know what I'm realizing more and more? I'm fucking amazing, so it'll be worth it to wait and wait for someone who really gets and appreciates me fully, because I deserve that--hell, everybody does! And if I never find that someone, well, at least I've got Sarah Duncan to rely on--she's always got my back :)
These days, I'm taking things one step at a time.
These days, (or at least tonight) from where I'm standing these days are glowing with promise, joy, and echoes of laughter, loving, and more laughter, laughter. Plus a sprinkle of poetry.
Goodnight world, goodnight moon.
The blurb on the website. My name was on the website! Also--Prescott Tolk--genius. I'd never heard of him, so I didn't know, but he was absolutely sensational. SO FUNNY. And he thought I was really funny too, he told me it was very polished and wanted to know how "new" I was because I had obvious skill. Fuck yeah, go me. The place was packed, and I was totally in sync with the crowd--there's nothing quite like the feeling of making a whole room of people laugh--not just chuckle, not giggle--outright openly loudly laugh. It went so well tonight, I feel like a pro. I need more material to be a pro... but still, I'm on my way, I can feel it, and it's great when others acknowledge it too. What a feeling!
Plus, I had a bunch of friends come out--Robb & Christina and their friend Rachel, my brother, and Karly (the other girl I know who's moving to New Zealand, friend from high school) and Allison (another friend from high school.) I felt so supported.
Whee!
In other news, my Dad's getting married tomorrow, so I should really go to bed... I'm really hungry... I've no money for groceries right now, so I'm a little malnourished.
My tent, sleeping bag, and sheet liner all came via ups today. That was exciting. In less exciting news, this girl I met online (I know, I know, online is sketchy, sue me there are no lesbians in bloomington) was supposed to call me today at 10pm... but nothing. But you know? I'm not really phased by that. She seemed cool, and I'm a little disappointed, but honestly? not terribly so. I mean, no one likes to be quote unquote stood up, but I've only talked to her once before, and I'm not looking for anything other than casual dating. This may come off as "doth I protest too much" but I'm really just writing down my discoveries as I make them. Plus, know what I'm realizing more and more? I'm fucking amazing, so it'll be worth it to wait and wait for someone who really gets and appreciates me fully, because I deserve that--hell, everybody does! And if I never find that someone, well, at least I've got Sarah Duncan to rely on--she's always got my back :)
These days, I'm taking things one step at a time.
These days, (or at least tonight) from where I'm standing these days are glowing with promise, joy, and echoes of laughter, loving, and more laughter, laughter. Plus a sprinkle of poetry.
Goodnight world, goodnight moon.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Tomorrow
My Work Visa is coming in the mail tomorrow.
The one that allows me to leave this country for a year.
Also, I just bought my travel backpack online this evening.
In summary, I'm officially starting to freak the fuck out, and this next month preparing is going to be pretty chaotic.
In other news, my Dad's getting married this Friday, I miss a lot of people all the time, I got a job at Carl's Ice Cream that I don't feel like I should take since after two weeks of working there I'll have to put in my two weeks (but I want the money... is it worth it?) and I might go on a date in the future, which is mildly exciting. I'm not looking for anything more than a date (with the whole moving transatlantic thing) but it'd be nice to go on one, since it's been awhile. Not to mention, it's always nice to meet lesbians who aren't creepy and who don't suck. And it'd be nice to feel sort of normal/adult/desirable. All of that good stuff that I should probably feel without the aforementioned date, but whatever, I'm human, what's wrong with getting coffee? I'm just looking for a connection. Isn't that what we're all looking for?
I guess I can only speak for me.
Goodnight.
The one that allows me to leave this country for a year.
Also, I just bought my travel backpack online this evening.
In summary, I'm officially starting to freak the fuck out, and this next month preparing is going to be pretty chaotic.
In other news, my Dad's getting married this Friday, I miss a lot of people all the time, I got a job at Carl's Ice Cream that I don't feel like I should take since after two weeks of working there I'll have to put in my two weeks (but I want the money... is it worth it?) and I might go on a date in the future, which is mildly exciting. I'm not looking for anything more than a date (with the whole moving transatlantic thing) but it'd be nice to go on one, since it's been awhile. Not to mention, it's always nice to meet lesbians who aren't creepy and who don't suck. And it'd be nice to feel sort of normal/adult/desirable. All of that good stuff that I should probably feel without the aforementioned date, but whatever, I'm human, what's wrong with getting coffee? I'm just looking for a connection. Isn't that what we're all looking for?
I guess I can only speak for me.
Goodnight.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
7/19/09
Today at church, I was given a card bearing 100 dollars from an anonymous individual who wished to support my New Zealand trip.
Life is incredible.
Life is incredible.
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