The world begins to disappear

My brother has the counting crow's cd Films About Ghosts, so I've been listening to it. It's interestingly hit or miss with each song. I think some of the songs are off the charts fantastic, and others, not so much.

I like these best:
"Mrs. Potter's Lullaby"
"Einstein On the Beach"
"Anna Begins" (But I've liked that song since it was introduced to me last year)
"A Long December"

there are a few others that are pretty decent (Round Here, Rain King) but those are the four I can't stop listening to.

In other news, I'm still petrified of death. Apparently there's a name for it--thanatophobia. I'm thanatophobic. Swell.

There are just so many little accidents every day that can erase me from the world--and then all my poetry will go unpublished, my self undiscovered, my acting career forever unrealized, not to mention the whole never having had an actual girlfriend thing or having fallen in love...

I have a hard time stopping myself from thinking--what if something happens on the plane ride? What if I get bit by one of the two poisonous spiders in New Zealand? What if I get skin cancer? What if I have it now, and don't know it? And how do some elderly people live to be in their 90's and still remain fully capable, and others are completely deteriorated?

It's my OCD, and I know it. My OCD plus a legitimate and constant clinical phobia.

I really want to live a full life. I don't want any accidents. I really want to live a full life.
I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do.

Okay I have to shut up I'm making myself even more anxious. Also--nothing brought this on. This is just my brain.

One more thing--
there was a serious hate crime in Tel Aviv--a man burst into a gay support centre (not a bar, even, but just a nice place) and shot two individuals and wounded 10. I feel sick.

I lied. One more thing--
I'm scared shitless to go to New Zealand, but I'm excited, but I'm really scared. That wasn't really new, but I'm feeling expressive.

I hope I fall in love someday...with someone who loves me back. That sounds so implausible sometimes. (See, expressive.) It must be nice.

I hear it's nice.