I'm back in BloNo, and I'll admit to being in a funk, and not the good kind.
It was a really good weekend, though a little bittersweet. My world just feels so strange these days. Changes, changes, changes. Life is such a whirlwind of new and old and hello and farewell. I half expect to wake up in Oz one of these days wearing ruby slippers and skipping down a strange road with oddly featured friends.
Anyway.
Current thoughts: I'm not a great cook, but what I make, I make well. I made pesto pasta for the second time tonight, and damn, it was good. My family agreed. Also, I know it's my OCD, but I'm feeling less than satisfied with my physical shape right now, which I *realize* is stupid and irrational, but it's how I feel. So, I'm going to start working out soon. Scratch "soon"-- more like, tomorrow. I just feel flabby. (I also know that 30 min or cardio a day is not only excellent for energy but for overall health, so I'm doing it for those reasons too. Last summer when I was working out a lot, I felt fantastic. Currently, I feel like a lazy blob, so I'm seeking to fix this.) I wish I could get over my damn arm thing. It's a comparison thing, really. I feel great about myself until I start going, "Well, they look like this, and they're making a great career off their looks and talent as an actor, so if I want to do the same..." It's silly, but it's a mixture of my obsessive compulsive disorder (unwanted thought syndrome--as we all know Sarah thinks WAY too much, right Doug? This blog is proof. Hell, it's beyond proof.) and media pressures and pressures that go hand in hand with the profession I'm in. Also, it sucks because whenever I watch Buffy 7th season now (smgellar lost a ton of weight over the seasons--actually, i think she looks super scary in 7th season, like someone feed her a cracker, please, but regardless, my ocd tends to win occasionally with-->), I can't stop looking at all the characters arms, thinking, "mine aren't as toned as that, mine are flabbier than that--shit, I'll *never* get a tv job!" (I prefer stage, but I've always REALLY wanted to be on Law and Order or something like The Office or Buffy or Weeds.) Again with the I know it's not rational, but clearly a part of me thinks it is, or it wouldn't be so damn convincing. Blech. People are dying in airplane crashes, or in their own home (re: Michael J) and coups are happening in Honduras and I'm complaining about imaginary flabby arms. Perspective, Sarah?
Other thoughts.
1. Lonely. My friends feel so far from me--I have so many, but they're spread all around the globe like globular jelly. I want all the bits and gooey pieces of strawberry in one spot on my bread, please.
2. I'm getting tan! Well, tan for me. I'm excited.
3. I still don't have a fucking job in blono. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck. Baxter's grill decided to go with "no."
4. See three.
5. With my mind on my money and my money on my mind.
6. However, I do not feel laid back.
7. I have to stop buying itunes, and that's going to suck.
8. I have a lot of paper work to do for NZ still. And packing!
9. It was good talking to you. I'm glad I chose to, you know, not pretend we were strangers. If you ever read this--thanks for indulging me. It was a nice way to leave it. Merci beacoup.
10. Bye, One World and One World Crew. I'll miss you and love you all more than you know. Well, I don't love two jerky guys, but everyone else.
10a. I hope Michell's daughter's okay.
11. Today I saw a "Party Trolly" in Peoria. What!?
12. I really need to publish my poetry. I feel like such a slacker right now, it's depressing. I know I just need to do it, but for some reason, my go getterness seems to only come in spurts. I act when it counts, but I put off stuff at the same time. What the hell? (It's probably linked to your ADHD, dear.) And what about that memoir I'm writing? And those plays? Hey, Sarah, you ever going to write another play? Get cracking! Come on! (Ahh!)
13. MY ROOM. AH. SOMEONE COME OVER AND HELP ME before the boxes breed. Oh wait, the only friend that would actually enjoy that... is in Peoria. (looking at you Kyla. Miss you. A lot, in fact).
14. Seeing Shakespeare with Dad on Wednesday! Yay! But I'm nervous it'll make me really miss theatre (not a bad thing by itself, but --->) and then feel bad for not jumping right into career mode and choosing NZ instead of going to Chicago right away. Just because I know NZ is right for me doesn't mean there aren't oodles of doubt and fear. Thinker, remember?
15. I need to find monologues. "I need to accomplish and be perfect at everything!" Gah!
16. That guy better stay the fuck away from my friends, or I'm calling the cops on him. I mean it. Call my bluff, asshole.
17. Why won't anyone hire me? I'm awesome. ("'Cuz it's the middle of the summer, Sarah." "Shut up, rational self.")
18. I hope I poop soon. Too much bread today. Frick.
19. I need to write my to do list. It's long.
20. How much money do I need to spend to prep for NZ? What kind of bag will I need? How expensive are backpacks? How the hell am I going to get my meds over there??
21. I want to do more stand up. I've been doing a steady amount, but I want more. But Trey is moving. :( And that means one more friend to miss a lot (I mean it, Trey) and zero transportation to my gigs. Or at least, zero comedy partner Trey transportation. I'm going to miss us as a team. :(
22. I really need to write more jokes.
23. Why am I so lazy?
23a. Maybe if you did all the stuff you just whined about instead of writing a facebook note...
24. Sarah, be nicer to yourself. You're not lazy. That's the last thing you are. You can get distracted, and you get sidetracked, but you are a hardworker and you know it.
24a. I wish I actually believed the above more. Sigh.
25. Why are some of the most awesome women I know in my life being treated so poorly by others? That's such bullshit.
26. I'm coming to your wedding, Benizzle. Just so you know, I'm not one of those shady ones you were chiding on your fb. :)
27. I should really figure out how I'm getting to chitown--Emily!!!!???? Carpool??? I'll pitch in for gas!
28. I wish I had someone to kiss me.
28a. Not *anyone* though, just so we're clear. I'm rather picky.
29. Is it terrible that although I know the honduras coup was bad, after reading that in the NY times, there was a part of me that thought... "Wow, well done. That's kind of impressive."
30. Is this what the rest of my adult life will be? Putzing around, wishing I was doing more?
30a. Sarah, you do a lot, it's just summer and you feel strange and restless because you don't have a job, class, and you just graduated from college. And right now, you're not feeling too inspired to write poetry, so this is you getting your creative instincts out. Writing is writing, lady.
31. I know, Rational Sarah. It's just that...
31a. ...I don't want to amount to an almost something. Like Anne Frank said, "I want to be remarkable."
And I do.
Goodnight.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
I miss being in shows.
Which is actually a relief. I was worried if I took a break from theatre, I'd say, gee this is so nice, I'm never going back!
But I'm starting to think this "break" thing is going to be rough. I'm starting to get that itch.
I'm trying ot keep up the artistic endeavors to fill that gap. Lots of stand up, trying to paint, though it really hasn't happened. Been too busy working and looking for a job. Trying to write, but poetry isn't really flowing at the moment.
I've decided to write that memoir, and I got all excited to write it tonight, but when I sat down to start it, I only got about a page in. I REALLY want to do it, and I think if I put my mind to do it, it could be really effing good. I narrowed the topic down majorly, and I don't think it has to be more than 150/200 pages. Perhaps even 125, you know? But I do this thing where I judge my writing as I write it, because I want to structure it just so.
So yeah. That's pretty much it. I miss theatre, I'm still so full of thoughts and emotions it's a kooky mess, I like the word kooky, I really want to write this memoir, I still need to work out, I still need a job, I'm not terribly unhappy, but boy, I really want to do something worthwhile with my life.
Didn't expect that one, didja? A serious sentence right in the middle of all that blather?
Me neither.
But I'm starting to think this "break" thing is going to be rough. I'm starting to get that itch.
I'm trying ot keep up the artistic endeavors to fill that gap. Lots of stand up, trying to paint, though it really hasn't happened. Been too busy working and looking for a job. Trying to write, but poetry isn't really flowing at the moment.
I've decided to write that memoir, and I got all excited to write it tonight, but when I sat down to start it, I only got about a page in. I REALLY want to do it, and I think if I put my mind to do it, it could be really effing good. I narrowed the topic down majorly, and I don't think it has to be more than 150/200 pages. Perhaps even 125, you know? But I do this thing where I judge my writing as I write it, because I want to structure it just so.
So yeah. That's pretty much it. I miss theatre, I'm still so full of thoughts and emotions it's a kooky mess, I like the word kooky, I really want to write this memoir, I still need to work out, I still need a job, I'm not terribly unhappy, but boy, I really want to do something worthwhile with my life.
Didn't expect that one, didja? A serious sentence right in the middle of all that blather?
Me neither.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
"Over You," Sheryl Crow
I'm a bit depressed this evening.
I had a lot of plans for today, and I can't seem to do any of them. I woke up at 1pm, which is just silly. I wasn't even out that late. Comedy went great last night, and I know I was tired, but come on. I really need to start working out again. I just feel gross and weak and out of sorts. I'm still eating my uber healthy way, but lying around all day--or, okay, driving, walking, and cleaning my room--it isn't cutting it. But I'm fairly certain my motivation is buried somewhere in the boxes still cluttering up my room.
It amazes me that even after graduating school, I can feel stressed and overwhelmed by my to do list. It's not even that long, but it *feels* long. And time, there's never enough of that. Wah, wah wah....
This weekend is my last at One World. I'll miss it. Plus, I'm starting to panic about getting a job in blono. Get this--I'm even considering DETASSLING. How ridiculous is that? What am I, in 8th grade? But I need a job. Big time.
Eh. I just feel crappy today, like I accomplished almost nothing, but that's not really true. I guess I got some stuff done...
Wow, I really *do* feel like crap right now. Not that I was lying earlier, it's just really hitting me now. Good, so, looks like I'm pmsing this weekend. Oooh, that'll be fun.
Well, I know I'm just a barrel of fun, but I should really take this pity party elsewhere.
I had a lot of plans for today, and I can't seem to do any of them. I woke up at 1pm, which is just silly. I wasn't even out that late. Comedy went great last night, and I know I was tired, but come on. I really need to start working out again. I just feel gross and weak and out of sorts. I'm still eating my uber healthy way, but lying around all day--or, okay, driving, walking, and cleaning my room--it isn't cutting it. But I'm fairly certain my motivation is buried somewhere in the boxes still cluttering up my room.
It amazes me that even after graduating school, I can feel stressed and overwhelmed by my to do list. It's not even that long, but it *feels* long. And time, there's never enough of that. Wah, wah wah....
This weekend is my last at One World. I'll miss it. Plus, I'm starting to panic about getting a job in blono. Get this--I'm even considering DETASSLING. How ridiculous is that? What am I, in 8th grade? But I need a job. Big time.
Eh. I just feel crappy today, like I accomplished almost nothing, but that's not really true. I guess I got some stuff done...
Wow, I really *do* feel like crap right now. Not that I was lying earlier, it's just really hitting me now. Good, so, looks like I'm pmsing this weekend. Oooh, that'll be fun.
Well, I know I'm just a barrel of fun, but I should really take this pity party elsewhere.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Memoir
Everytime I read a memoir, I want to write one. I'm currently reading Happens Every Day, by Isabelle Gillisie (a small part actor on Law and Order:SVU) about her marriage falling apart and getting divorced. It sounds a little cliche, and perhaps it is, but it is well written, and I always appreciate that.
I've started memoirs before. I wanted to write one in high school, I wanted to write one Junior year of College, I want to write one now.
Although this probably going to be an instance of me planning and then not following through, I think I've decided to write a memoir called Explaining Myself (because of my long history with therapy, justification, thoughts, and overcommunication with people... seeking affirmation, etc.). And I want it to be about college. I want it to cover the catastrophe that was my first two years of college (and yes, that means personal relationships and departmental shit), my new york trip, and my senior year (including other personal relationships.) Why?
I won't deny it, I want the book to be candid and open about my sexuality and the journey I've taken over the last four years with it. I graduated college without ever having had a girlfriend, and I think there is a real part of me that still sees that as some sort of failure. I also know that the lack of an acutal lesbian community or positive lesbian role models can be a serious problem (one I've honestly dealt with and still continue to deal with) and I want to share the story of a lesbian woman in a blue collar midwestern town and the individuals who helped shape her and who she helped shape. I want to talk about the departmental stuff I went through, and yes, that includes APO stuff--I want to dsicuss dealing with sexual harrassment from the physical therapist I went to at the health center, I want to discuss how One World helped me grow up in ways I can't even identify yet, how much I constantly loathed returning to Peoria, what New York meant to me, why The Oresteia was so debilitating, my decision to go to New Zealand, j-term--london, march 2009--and the months preceeding and following, christmas break when I felt called to the ministry, then researching magic in London on a whim, petty stupid drama, graduating and all the emotional trappings, stand up, etc.
I want to talk about my experience with the quote unquote "best four years of your life," and hopefully reach other individuals who didn't/don't love college, and who are looking for positive or even "normal" lesbian role models in a world of negative stereotypes and constant extremes.
I don't know if it'll happen, but I want to try. So, send me positive thoughts of stamina, because I usually start things and then shrug them off. But I think this could be a very therapeutic thing to do this summer, especially paired with seeing my therapist again once a week.
Plus, I really like the title. ;)
I've started memoirs before. I wanted to write one in high school, I wanted to write one Junior year of College, I want to write one now.
Although this probably going to be an instance of me planning and then not following through, I think I've decided to write a memoir called Explaining Myself (because of my long history with therapy, justification, thoughts, and overcommunication with people... seeking affirmation, etc.). And I want it to be about college. I want it to cover the catastrophe that was my first two years of college (and yes, that means personal relationships and departmental shit), my new york trip, and my senior year (including other personal relationships.) Why?
I won't deny it, I want the book to be candid and open about my sexuality and the journey I've taken over the last four years with it. I graduated college without ever having had a girlfriend, and I think there is a real part of me that still sees that as some sort of failure. I also know that the lack of an acutal lesbian community or positive lesbian role models can be a serious problem (one I've honestly dealt with and still continue to deal with) and I want to share the story of a lesbian woman in a blue collar midwestern town and the individuals who helped shape her and who she helped shape. I want to talk about the departmental stuff I went through, and yes, that includes APO stuff--I want to dsicuss dealing with sexual harrassment from the physical therapist I went to at the health center, I want to discuss how One World helped me grow up in ways I can't even identify yet, how much I constantly loathed returning to Peoria, what New York meant to me, why The Oresteia was so debilitating, my decision to go to New Zealand, j-term--london, march 2009--and the months preceeding and following, christmas break when I felt called to the ministry, then researching magic in London on a whim, petty stupid drama, graduating and all the emotional trappings, stand up, etc.
I want to talk about my experience with the quote unquote "best four years of your life," and hopefully reach other individuals who didn't/don't love college, and who are looking for positive or even "normal" lesbian role models in a world of negative stereotypes and constant extremes.
I don't know if it'll happen, but I want to try. So, send me positive thoughts of stamina, because I usually start things and then shrug them off. But I think this could be a very therapeutic thing to do this summer, especially paired with seeing my therapist again once a week.
Plus, I really like the title. ;)
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
the saga of the tye dye dress
my boobs are too small for this dress.
Oh well, who doesn't want to see a little nipple at a wedding, right?
Oh well, who doesn't want to see a little nipple at a wedding, right?
Hmmm...
Okay, scratch that last part. NEXT weekend is my last weekend at work. Hah--well, that is my official two weeks, so it's not a problem, it's just funny. C'est la vie...
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Mushaboom Mushaboom
My eating habits suck.
They're healthy in content, but not in schedule or quantity.
It's a really irksome connundrum.
I'm not a shopper--I'm really not. But today, I went a little retail therapy crazy. I bought these awesome beaded earrings as well as small hoops--Kyla and I are thinking of getting other piercings in our ears and I want to have hoops ready for that--plus a super awesome tye-dye dress I'm going to wear to pretty much EVERY wedding I'm attending this summer, plus an incredible beaded necklace with three necklaces in one--matches the dress! Plus software and paper for making my own business cards. I'm growing tired of writing down my number. I might as well be a grown up and have a card that says actor, writer (freelance, poetry, drama, prose) and comedian (improv, stand-up.) With a picture, hopefully. I feel so adult. It's disconcerting.
The stand-up stuff is actually going incredibly well. I'm saying this in all unbiased sincerity. I feel like I just have a knack for this, which is awesome because that means that for the last two years I've been secretly thinking I'd be good at this but didn't want to be a narcissist--it means I was right! I still may be egocentric, but at least I'm accurate :) Thursday night in Champaign was just incredible. I was completely and utterly "on." It was the best performance of mine hands down, and I got so much great feedback--not just from other comics, but audience members and even some stand-up "industry people" if you will--I mean, it's central Illinois, it's not chi-town, but still. I think I'm going to get some gigs out of the people I met there. As one person said, "We'd really like you to perform for us. We don't have a lot of young people... or really, a lot of funny people, either." So... yay me! Plus, Trey and I had a rockin' awesome time in Champaign. Champaign is a pretty fucking awesome city, I must say.
This weekend will be my last weekend living and working in Peoria, and I cannot lie, this makes me very sad. Although I never (and still really don't) liked/like Peoria, I have a lot of love and friendships and loyalty that center around working at One World, and I am going to miss it on many levels. I know that the odds I will stay in touch with the majority of my colleagues are small simply because of the way life's revolving door works, but it makes my heart hurt regardless. I really do care about all of them, and I hope they know I wish them lives full of joy and discovery. I know that leaving this weekend will be hard for many, many reasons.
However, on the up side, I had a job interview today--and I think it went damn well! The manager there told me I seem like a perfect fit and that she would like to invite me on the team---but they've got 4 or 5 previous employees who may come back for the summer, and they need to wait till next friday to see who all is coming back and whether or not they'll have a slot. I think the odds are good (or at least I hope they are) that there will be a slot open. I really liked this place--it was really mod and fancy looking. Not quite as gloriously eccentric and artsy as my beloved One World, but it had class. And the manager was so kind, I have a feeling she's pretty awesome to work with. I just really really really want a server job, and this place looks pretty rockin'. Anyway. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
Alright, well I need to either shower now, or call Asha--but either way I have a lot of shaving and plucking and nail painting to do in order to beautify myself for the wedding tomorrow. But I am actually very, very excited about my outfit for the wedding. See, I can be stereotypically "girly." ;)
Love and joy and carrot sticks,
Sarah D
They're healthy in content, but not in schedule or quantity.
It's a really irksome connundrum.
I'm not a shopper--I'm really not. But today, I went a little retail therapy crazy. I bought these awesome beaded earrings as well as small hoops--Kyla and I are thinking of getting other piercings in our ears and I want to have hoops ready for that--plus a super awesome tye-dye dress I'm going to wear to pretty much EVERY wedding I'm attending this summer, plus an incredible beaded necklace with three necklaces in one--matches the dress! Plus software and paper for making my own business cards. I'm growing tired of writing down my number. I might as well be a grown up and have a card that says actor, writer (freelance, poetry, drama, prose) and comedian (improv, stand-up.) With a picture, hopefully. I feel so adult. It's disconcerting.
The stand-up stuff is actually going incredibly well. I'm saying this in all unbiased sincerity. I feel like I just have a knack for this, which is awesome because that means that for the last two years I've been secretly thinking I'd be good at this but didn't want to be a narcissist--it means I was right! I still may be egocentric, but at least I'm accurate :) Thursday night in Champaign was just incredible. I was completely and utterly "on." It was the best performance of mine hands down, and I got so much great feedback--not just from other comics, but audience members and even some stand-up "industry people" if you will--I mean, it's central Illinois, it's not chi-town, but still. I think I'm going to get some gigs out of the people I met there. As one person said, "We'd really like you to perform for us. We don't have a lot of young people... or really, a lot of funny people, either." So... yay me! Plus, Trey and I had a rockin' awesome time in Champaign. Champaign is a pretty fucking awesome city, I must say.
This weekend will be my last weekend living and working in Peoria, and I cannot lie, this makes me very sad. Although I never (and still really don't) liked/like Peoria, I have a lot of love and friendships and loyalty that center around working at One World, and I am going to miss it on many levels. I know that the odds I will stay in touch with the majority of my colleagues are small simply because of the way life's revolving door works, but it makes my heart hurt regardless. I really do care about all of them, and I hope they know I wish them lives full of joy and discovery. I know that leaving this weekend will be hard for many, many reasons.
However, on the up side, I had a job interview today--and I think it went damn well! The manager there told me I seem like a perfect fit and that she would like to invite me on the team---but they've got 4 or 5 previous employees who may come back for the summer, and they need to wait till next friday to see who all is coming back and whether or not they'll have a slot. I think the odds are good (or at least I hope they are) that there will be a slot open. I really liked this place--it was really mod and fancy looking. Not quite as gloriously eccentric and artsy as my beloved One World, but it had class. And the manager was so kind, I have a feeling she's pretty awesome to work with. I just really really really want a server job, and this place looks pretty rockin'. Anyway. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
Alright, well I need to either shower now, or call Asha--but either way I have a lot of shaving and plucking and nail painting to do in order to beautify myself for the wedding tomorrow. But I am actually very, very excited about my outfit for the wedding. See, I can be stereotypically "girly." ;)
Love and joy and carrot sticks,
Sarah D
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Two elementary school kids have hung themselves due to anti-gay bullying
http://www.truthout.org/060309EDA
Along with the above article, I also watched Milk today.
Sometimes, it's hard to be reminded that you're different. It's not often I remember that although I've been very lucky, I could easily and probably will encounter the kind of hatred these individuals did.
My heart aches for those people I know who have struggled to come out, or to tell their families, or even their friends. It gets so easy for me or even others to simply say, "well just be honest about it! What's the big deal?" The big deal is those two young boys who killed themselves because of anti-gay bullying. The big deal is Harvey Milk being shot for being a gay man in public office.
Still, like Harvey Milk pointed out, the revolution is in the revealing of who we are and how many of us are in this world--the very world we have every right to be in.
And the revolution, even without him and other leaders in the gay movement, is still now. Everytime I come out to someone and they not only realize I am someone they know and interact with but that I am a likable, functional, regular human being... that's progress in small, but effective ways.
My heart breaks for these two boys, now past, and the families mourning them.
But we'll keep fighting; it's not about winning. It's about visibility and voice. As silly as it sounds, the old "we're here, we're queer, get used to it" is pretty on point.
We're here. I'm here. You're here. Here here!
Along with the above article, I also watched Milk today.
Sometimes, it's hard to be reminded that you're different. It's not often I remember that although I've been very lucky, I could easily and probably will encounter the kind of hatred these individuals did.
My heart aches for those people I know who have struggled to come out, or to tell their families, or even their friends. It gets so easy for me or even others to simply say, "well just be honest about it! What's the big deal?" The big deal is those two young boys who killed themselves because of anti-gay bullying. The big deal is Harvey Milk being shot for being a gay man in public office.
Still, like Harvey Milk pointed out, the revolution is in the revealing of who we are and how many of us are in this world--the very world we have every right to be in.
And the revolution, even without him and other leaders in the gay movement, is still now. Everytime I come out to someone and they not only realize I am someone they know and interact with but that I am a likable, functional, regular human being... that's progress in small, but effective ways.
My heart breaks for these two boys, now past, and the families mourning them.
But we'll keep fighting; it's not about winning. It's about visibility and voice. As silly as it sounds, the old "we're here, we're queer, get used to it" is pretty on point.
We're here. I'm here. You're here. Here here!
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