I am really, really scared about swine flu.

And I do not want to die of this disease.

Also, apparently it has reached New Zealand.

!!!!!!

I'm still going, but crapola!

All jokes aside, my biggest, biggest fear is dying young... and this is giving me genuine and painful panic.

Come on scientists, come up with a vaccine!

I Made a Website For My Poetry

http://groundlessnessandflight.blogspot.com/

it's pretty raw, and it's pretty candid.

good thing most of it is made up.
that's the beauty of poetry.
lying in the name of artistic truth.
enjoy.

A Doormat Puts in For Early Retirement

There are things I wish I could say, but my moral compass will not allow it, nor do I want to be an emo blog kid. So I'm going to try to express things without putting my foot in my mouth.

The problem with any sort of relationship is that it is doomed to a constant imbalance. Someone always feels something more than the other, and it can change from day to day. I hate the feeling of having lost my mind, or not being able to listen to myself, or being controlled by an "other" who isn't actually controlling me at all, but because I have found myself with feelings of attachment, the world turns upside down. I don't think that's romantic. Don't tell me that's "the way it goes." I think it's inconvenient and debilitating. I don't want someone's mere presence to make me feel small and stupid and sad. I want to flourish. I want to blossom. I hate feeling little, that feeling of over-eagerness, trying to please. And I feel this way around all sorts of people, not just those I've had romantic feelings for and felt hurt by.

If I could rid myself of one feeling or one habit, I would rid myself of my need for reassurance, and my reliance on others and my relationships with them to make me feel good about myself and my life. I don't care if reasurrance is my "love language" it's a hassle, and it holds me back from being the kind of self-reliant individual I'd like to be. Why must any kind of romantic feelings--not even an actual relationship, but just feelings--automatically mean entanglement and some sort of strange intense obligation to the other? We get tightly tied to one another, whether we like it or not. Or maybe this is just me. Maybe that's the problem. I feel obligated... and other people do not.

Well, fuck that. I'm tired of being nice and apologetic. I know that's the mature thing, and I know that's the right thing, but it also feels remarkably like being a doormat. I'm bitter and I'm tired of being the bigger person because it feels a lot like losing. Turning the other cheek hurts, Jesus.

I don't want to be obligated to anyone unless I choose to be, but I feel like this is a difficult thing to accomplish, and perhaps even an unnatural one. Is it? I want to be tied down to me and only me. Call me selfish, I'll be the first one to say it. I'm selfish. Except, the problem is, I'm not. I want to be, desperately, but I have this problem with caring overtly, even obsessively, about how I affect other people. Like feeling apologetic for even blogging, when you know what, it's my fucking blog, I can say what I want, there are worse habits to have than being too expressive. And if I'm a little immature, sue me, I'm 21. Maybe it would do me some good to embrace my bitter angry immature side.

I'm focused on freedom, but I've been equating freedom with solitude. Which I am not certain is quite right. There's got to be a balance--some couples, some individuals find it. So is it this elusive holy grail? Do I need to be in a club or have a password? Or do I just have to go through a lot more ups and downs until I'm wise and old and withered and wonderful? I'd like to have one, just one--really, that's all I need--healthy, flourishing, beautiful balanced free relationship before my life is over. And I sincerely hope that this is not too idealistic of a wish.

You know, maybe I just hate the aching that comes with caring for someone who naturally doesn't care as much back, and maybe that's just a cycle I'm doomed to repeat like the rest of the world. But I'm tired of it. Exhausted. And I never listen to myself! Okay, that's not true, but I don't listen to myself sometimes when it's really, really! pivotal that I do so. I say, "Hey, Sarah, you're tired of this," or, "Hey, this is a terrible idea, don't do it..." and despite my inner alarms, I still jump at new opportunities, when maybe, just maybe, I should say... "No."

But, but, but! I don't want to be the bitter jaded single person, so I push myself to "just try it, just see where it goes, just take a chance." Which is silly because, let's face it, I am the bitter jaded single person. There is a real part of me that thinks surely I'll end up like Eleanor Rigby, hiding my face in a jar. The other part of me is sure that this can't happen because you know what? I don't suck as a person. In fact, I'm pretty stellar. I want to fall in love, I do. I want to feel free with someone else, but right now, all of my attempts seem to lead to some form and feeling of captivity, and this isn't what I need. I keep putting myself in the subordinate position, and it's high time I seriously cut that out.

Or maybe this obligation I feel burdened with means I'm a nice person.
And, historically, we finish last.

I'm going abroad soon. It'd be cheesy as hell to say I hope I "find myself" in New Zealand, so I won't. Frankly, I didn't ever need to find myself, I'm not lost, I never was. I'm here. I know who I am. I don't like some of my sides, and I like to pretend they're not there, but they are, and I am fully aware of this. In my adult life, I'd like to start embracing all parts of me in an effort to strengthen myself.

I read a postsecret once that read,
"I want to share the joy of being alone with someone else."

That's it. That's it exactly.
But for now, I'll continue to share it with me.

Having a gi-normous sale is exhausting.

Fun, but completely exhausting.

This seems to be true about most fun things. They usually lead to fatigue of some kind. But then again, miserable activities usually have the same result.

Well goll-ee Sarah D, that's dreary.

I'm going to go watch Buffy and ignore my thoughts and responsibilities. Just kidding. I don't have responsibilities (as of this second, I don't really, no homework, no class tomorrow.)

I need to go eat some spinach.

For courage and biceps. I feel both of these things will help me in my stand-up comedy endeavor. Which I have vowed to undertake after my sale. What a thrill seeking scary life I lead. Next thing you know, I'll be flaunting my sexuality in the heart of the bible belt, just to live on the edge. And hey, while I do it, maybe I'll even have a wild crrrazy soda pop. With a lime. Whoa, hop off the outlaw train, self, before you'sa gonna get yo self in trouble.

Word.

Dear Citizens of America,

Top Ten (In No Real Order) (Specific and Perhaps Un-Obvious) Things Never To Do At a Restaurant:

1. Don't leave a pamphlet of any religious origin with a title along the lines of "Have You Found Jesus?" as your tip. Jesus would tip. If you don't believe me, go back to your bible where he did all that cool stuff like hanging out with the poor and the prostitutes and the marginalized societies. We, the working class, are the ones Jesus would help out, not you, the rich and too good to tip. So if you want to demonstrate Christian kindness... demonstrate Christian kindness.

2. Don't let your children color copiously or even lightly on the tables. This is not easy to get off--it doesn't wipe off like food debri. If your children are following in the footsteps of Picasso and O'Keefe, we will provide you with paper. We promise. Yes, you might feel like at a restaurant, this is the one time you don't have to clean up after your children. You might feel free. We might feel you are bad parents and worse patrons.

3. Don't ask the host/hostess to change tables or for a specific table. The dining room floor is divided into sections by server so that every server gets an even amount of tables and thus an even amount of work and subsequently, money. There's a system. We understand that you want a booth, or a center table, or a window table, but ultimately, it really fucks with our flow, not to mention it usually causes the servers to resent both the host/hostess for double seating them and you, for being so darn picky. A table's a table. ALSO: NEVER SEAT YOURSELF. Unless, of course, it says to.

4. Unless you know the server, or have a personal favorite because you are a regular, do not ask your current server for a new server based on any of the following: skin color (yes this happens, on both sides), gender, outfit, facial hair, tattoos, or any other bigoted judgemental opinion you may have. This is just awful. It makes the server feel like shit and it makes the requested/replacement server feel awkward. Don't be an asshole.

5. Never snap, clap, wave, or holler at a server to get their attention. They are not your dog. Along the same lines, remember that if it's busy, your server has many, many other tables. They will get to you as soon as possible, and getting impatient or bitchy with them is not only unfair, but unnecessary. If there's a real problem, talk to the manager.

5.5. Don't ask other servers or employees to bring you your server or bring you other things. This happens to me all the time as an expo (aka food runner.) Of course, I always oblige, but if I have a giant tray in my hand and a tray stand and we're very busy--when you tell me you'd like to order a special coffee drink and proceed to tell me what it is and expect me to get it for you when that is nowhere in my power, not to mention I look *nothing* like your server... it's just silly. Someone will help you, we promise. But wait for your server to come. If it's dire that you talk to them now, politely ask another employee to bring you your server--POLITELY AND ONLY AS A LAST RESORT! Unless they're a sucky server (which happens, but that's an exception) they'll get to you, I pinky promise. Practice patience, hold those horses.

6. Don't complain about your food unless there's a genuine problem. Example: A woman once complained that her tea "didn't taste like anything." The server replaced the hot water, and still, the tea "didn't taste like anything." Look, lady. Tea is lightly flavored water. If you want flavor, get a soda. Your tea bags performance is not the fault of the server. Moral: don't be unnecessarily critical--unless the food was made incorrectly, there is no need to send it back. If you don't like it, don't order it next time. If you must get something new or send it back, don't treat the server like it's their fault, because it really isn't.

7. Don't hit on the employees. Unless, of course you're attractive and they flirt with you too. But if you're over 40 and your server is under 25... stop it, creepsauce. "Restaurant" does not equal "brothel." Similarly try not to say things like, "honey," "sweetie," "babe," or "baby" to your server, especially if the server is female. It's demeaning and patronizing.

9. Don't tell me that it's "too loud" in the restaurant. It's a RESTAURANT. When it gets busy, it's bound to be buzzing. Go to a park or a monastery or pop in some Simon and Garfunkle if you're looking for the sound of silence.

10. And of course... don't stiff your server. If you don't agree with the tipping customs, great, but then go to a restaurant where tipping isn't expected (aka Europe.) Here in America, servers make the majority of their money from their tips. Unless the service was exceptionally bad from the server, leave them a decent tip, which by the way is 20 to 30%. Not 5%, not 10%, not 15%. If the food was cold, if it took too long--those things are out of the servers control (there's always exceptions, but usually.) If there's a real problem, again, contact the manager. General rule: IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO TIP THE SERVER, DO NOT GO OUT TO EAT. OR, GO TO McDONALDS.

(Extra--11.) Don't leave weird shit at the table, or under it. Once I had to remove a decently sized TREE BRANCH from under a table. What the frickin' frack?!

***
Humorous (Or Somewhat Tragic) Food Service Quote:

Patron: I really want some, like, potatoes, but not fries... but they're fried...? They're like potatoes.... but they're chips....
Server: ...Potato chips?
Patron: (Very excited) Yeah, exactly!

***
This has been a segment of "Sarah Says,"
an ornery and opinionated column-esqu featured on her blog, Paper Cranium.
Thank you.

Misanthropology and other tales

Allo le monde! (Hello World!)
It has taken some time for me to update this, but I find myself with a half hour of spare time on my hands-not a regular occurence. I have not been able to decide exactly what to focus on in this entry, so I have decided to mention everything in a shortened blurb.

I.
I have taken to eating a lot more than usual as of late, or at least it feels this way. I would be concerned, except it tastes so, so good. I'm still sticking to my 95% veganism, so what harm am I really doing? Actually I am curious about this influx. It must be psychological. Or hormonal. Or perhaps I am simply hungry. :takes large bite of garden burger:

II.
Why are people afraid of impassioned discussion? I feel that I have recently encountered multiple instances where people are trying to keep discussions from getting flustered, or heated. WHY? Our emotions give us power, and only when we care about something strongly will we fight for it. What is so wrong about even remotely getting worked up in a discussion and fighting for ideas, ideals, and ignoring consensus until an honest one is reached? I think there is this fear of offending an other that needs to be disregarded--in any important discussion, people will get offended. It's the nature of the beast. As long as we're not personally attacking anyone, the offense that will be taken will be impersonal--people will be offended that their ideas are deconstructed, but so what? Welcome to adulthood. It will happen to all of us, and that's the only way we can reach any reasonable conclusion. I just think it's foolish to try to keep everyone's temper and excitement at a stagnant level. And let me say--I'm not talking full fledged tantrums or screaming. Obviously, that behavior would be out of line. But in my recent experience, any argument that became slightly heated and tense was treated like a code red, which is simply ridiculous. We're college students, we're not kindergarteners. Is anyone really going to cry and pout if their idea doesn't work? If someone is, then please leave the discussion (and possibly college) and come back when you've grown up a wee bit, deary. If someone says something that provokes a response from me, I'm not going to wait 30 seconds to process their comment--I've already processed it, and I've got something to say to expound or contradict. Don't cut me off when I'm simply furthering a needed conversation. We're not Carebears. We aren't obligated to be all chill and huggy. We can be respectful without walking and talking on tiptoe. I'm not attacking anyone specifically--I've just noticed this phenomenon in a lot of my classes, and it's really "gotten my goat." So give me back my goat.

III.
The Weepies, The Bird and the Bee, and Gregory and the Hawk are all excellent bands, newly discovered by yours truly, and I'd like to pass them on. I discovered The Weepies a while back, but I've now heard more of their songs, thus falling deeper in love.

IV.
I've become more and more fascinated with sociology and anthropology as of late. Talking to Alex at lunch today, we decided we should combine my current irritation for people's bizarre tendencies with my desire to study individuals, thus coming up with a new field: Misanthropology. The study of human beings that are hard to like--we (Alex and myself) would cover a wide spectrum of the human race, objectively deciphering what it is exactly about person A, F, and Z that makes them unlikable. I think it's gonna be big. Stay tuned.

V.
In same discussion, we concluded that South Park is Brechtian.

VI.
That is all.

VII.
I prefer to end on a seven.