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A few thoughts before bed...

Star Trek was okay. It wasn't that great. Perhaps I need to be a Star Trek fan to appreciate it. It was just a bunch of guys and the token female on a starship. Live long and prosper, whoop-dee-doo.

Sometimes, I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror and I think "I'm the bees knees." And other times, like today, I go to bed thinking I'm a fool who keeps putting her foot in her mouth and is flakier, more insensitive, more impulsive, more catty and needy and juvenile than I like to think.

Also, sometimes I wonder if we, as human beings, don't simply exist just to hurt each other. I include myself in this--because today I hurt some people I cared about purely by selfish accident. Is it just one big cycle? Someone hurt, someone spared, someone made to feel special, and the day begins over again? Is it just a matter of avoiding being the one hurt? Is that why so many people lash out--make sure they're the one spared by default? I'm guilty of this too. What a complicated and sort of unstoppable cycle. It makes my head want to explode.

I hate not being able to be perfect. To analyze what's right and make the wrong decisions and judgements anyway. Perhaps I'm seeing things too much in black and white. I should put my life on the gray scale. It is, after all, the braver thing to do.

I never mean to be a jerk, but it's humbling and depressing when I realize that I can and do in fact, hurt other people despite my best efforts.

In short, today was a low self-esteem day. I just felt so lackluster--sub par, incapable, naive and small, apologetic and angry, self-centered and cruel and dismissive... so utterly human.

I need to brush my teeth.
I could also use a good cry.

A friend of mine brought up today that perhaps we focus on our relationships with others as a way to block out the rest of our problems--this makes sense. Even when I'm single (which is always) I'm always harboring feelings for some unlucky (sorry, low-self-esteem day seeping out) individual.

It reminds me of Eve Ensler's quote--Freedom is scary; Pain is familiar.

But how does one go about putting that sentiment in practice?

Perhaps leaving behind everything and everyone I know when I leave for NZ in September. That's freedom, right? And that sure is scary.

Sometimes I actually think it's easier to be alone, and other times I think it's the opposite.

Nothing is simple. What an original thought, Sarah D.

I'm done.

Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.